Why Is It So Hard for Me to Truly Relax?

Marjolein Loomans
Jun 30
3 min read

Perhaps this sounds familiar...

At last, the day is done.

The children are asleep, the laptop is closed, or the final tasks have been completed. This should be the moment to settle onto the sofa, read a book, or simply do nothing for a while.

But instead, you start to feel restless.

Suddenly, more things come to mind that you could be doing. You reach for your phone, start a to-do list, or decide to “quickly” tidy up the kitchen. And even when you do sit down, your thoughts keep racing.

Many people find themselves wondering:

“Why can’t I just relax?”

It may help to know that you are not alone.

Relaxation Is Not a Switch You Can Simply Turn On

Our nervous system continuously processes information from both our environment and our body. It constantly evaluates whether we feel safe or whether alertness and readiness for action are required.

Current scientific understanding suggests that prolonged stress can lead the nervous system to adapt to a state of heightened vigilance. Some people describe feeling as though they are constantly “on edge” or unable to fully switch off internally.

This does not mean that there is fundamentally something wrong with them.

Rather, it may be a natural response from a system that has learned, over a long period of time, to remain alert, attentive, and prepared to perform.

What Does This Look Like in Everyday Life?

Difficulty relaxing often appears in very ordinary ways.

You may recognize yourself in some of these situations:

You sit down on the sofa with a cup of tea and get up again five minutes later because you suddenly remember something you need to do.
It takes several days of vacation before you begin to feel relaxed.
Whenever your calendar is unexpectedly empty, you feel restless or even guilty.
While reading or watching television, your thoughts constantly drift back to unfinished tasks.
Even when you are exhausted, it feels difficult to simply do nothing.

Many people describe feeling as though they are permanently “switched on.”

Why Can Rest Sometimes Feel Uncomfortable?

From a psychological perspective, various factors may contribute to this experience.

People who have carried significant responsibility for long periods of time or who have lived with chronic stress often find that their bodies have adapted to functioning at a high level of activation.

Difficult life experiences, attachment patterns, or neurodivergent ways of processing information may also contribute to a nervous system that processes stimuli more intensely and does not automatically experience rest as effortless or familiar.

Psychological processes are highly individual, however. Not everyone experiences this in the same way, and similar experiences may have different underlying causes.

It Does Not Mean That Something Is Wrong With Your Body

Many people judge themselves harshly for struggling to relax.

They call themselves lazy, undisciplined, or believe they simply need to try harder.

Yet this self-criticism often creates even more internal pressure.

Perhaps a different perspective may be more helpful:

What has your body and nervous system had to do for a long time in order to help you manage your life?

This question often changes the way people view themselves. It invites us not to immediately judge our reactions, but first to understand them.

Some Gentle First Steps

Rest does not necessarily mean sitting completely still.

For some people, what is often called active rest feels safer at first. This might include activities such as going for a walk, knitting, reading, gardening, or engaging in other calm, repetitive tasks.

It can also be helpful to allow yourself small moments without any expectation of productivity—not because you have earned them, but because the nervous system regularly needs opportunities to recover and regenerate.

Over the coming days, you might gently ask yourself:

“Does my body need more effort right now—or does it need safety and rest?”

Summary

Difficulty relaxing is very common.
Chronic stress can contribute to the nervous system remaining in a persistent state of activation.
As a result, rest may feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable.
These reactions are often understandable and do not automatically mean that something is “wrong.”
Small, regular moments of recovery are often more accessible than expecting yourself to switch off completely right away.

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Closing

If you recognize yourself in this article and would like psychological support, I would be happy to work with you through my trauma-informed, attachment-oriented, and neuroaffirmative online practice.

This article is intended for general information and psychoeducation only. It does not replace psychological assessment, counselling, or psychotherapy.